dealing with the haze again…
I have to admit that writing in here has been a struggle. It’s not because I don’t have any thoughts I want to write about, there’s a million of those a day, but it’s really more to do with what I call the “haze.” It’s this fog that overtakes my mind and makes everything unclear and difficult to grasp. I’ve been having it a lot this week, and it has been quite a struggle to work, play, or feel comfortable. I know that dealing with my mom’s loss is definitely part of it, and I’m trying to do things to bring these feelings to the front. I do really miss my mom, especially in times like the haze. Her incredible understanding of life, and especially the complex universe of our emotions made her the best person to talk to. I doubt there are many people out there who have even close to the understanding of my mom in terms of their emotions. It seems to me that most people are afraid to really even face what is going on inside of them, scared to death to maybe find out the truth. But she always had me taking a step back, why do you feel like that? What made you react that way? My favorite was when I was mad at someone she would ask, “was it really what they did that MADE you mad?” I guess it is always easier to blame someone else for something, but the truth is 100% of the time that I get angry, it’s because I chose/allowed something someone else did to push me to that level. And it could very well be an unconscious, split second choice clouded by a past experience of pain or emotional trauma, but the choice is mine always nonetheless. Once you start to understand that your emotions are entirely within you, they are not a result of anything or anyone else around you, the world begins to look much different. I must say though, an even greater tribute to my mom is the wonderful sister she left me with, who very much like my mom has an understanding of the world around her, and the world within her well beyond her years. She has been a wonderful guide through this whole experience.
So for me the question is, why do I feel the haze? I know a lot of it has to do with missing my mom. I’m really having a hard time “moving” this week, like my tires are spinning in pools of mud. I’m seemingly incapable of tackling and sticking to that list of new years resolutions, I’m struggling to continue work on my business, and I’m struggling to stay on my exercise schedule. I’m struggling to keep my goals, or even make new ones. And really my well known optimism, seems to be somewhat shaky as of late. I was talking with my friend Lee last night, telling him how I needed this and that for my business to get back into gear. And he asked me, what do you need? As I went down the list, he replied to each item with “you can do that.” I can, so why do things that seemed exciting now seem impossible? I need a lens change, a switch in perspective, and new pair of eyes. The choice is completely mine where this goes from here. That’s the beauty of it all (although some would disagree). The amazing thing about the future is that it can and will be changed by today, and the even more amazing thing about the future is that it’ll come no matter what. So no sense in worrying about then….
I think mom would say, do what feels good, do what makes you happy, and stop the worrying and start allowing.